Days.

‪Day in, day out, day by day… easy concept, tough execution. I don’t know how to stay motivated.  ‬I still don’t. This has been my problem since… well, ever. I get a good, strong start. I’m gonna change everything! I’ve got a new project! Then I go to bed.

I wake up, and this is still my life. I’m still here. I’m still working retail. The future is still uncertain. Everyone is doing better than me. People who were behind me are now ahead of me. I’m still, y’know, depressed and tired and alone.

And that motivation from the day before is gone. Several times a day I internally yell at myself to fucking do something. But everything is so exhausting. So I end up doing nothing and still being exhausted.

And then, day by day, the goal post gets further, and tougher, and my life is sadder and lonelier. I give myself reassurances. Tons of people don’t get started until later! At least you’re not in the mental space you used to be! And these reassurances don’t really do anything. They’re not encouraging. They don’t stop the things I hate about my life.

They’re like telling people to be happy in their own skin. My skin doesn’t feel right. This isn’t my skin. My muscles aren’t moving the way I want them too. I don’t want to feel like this. Those reassurances tell me that my life-skin is right on track or better than I was or good enough. But it’s not. I don’t like this. I don’t like this.

I usually end these things on a positive note but I’d rather end this very short post with a hard truth, because maybe I just need a guilt trip:

No one is going to help you. You can’t rely on anyone. You are behind. You are not better. Help yourself. Rely on yourself. Catch up. Do something great today. Day in, day out, day by day. Tough execution, be tougher.

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