Today’s been the first day in a while that I’ve been in the mind space to sit here and write for this blog. Part of it is just mental ability, part of it is the feeling. That special, sit-down-and-write-for-no-reason feeling. Part of it is just excuses. What’s new, right? A lot, actually. In my last post I was a bit of a downer. Strangely enough, that downer-ness actually set a fire for me. So did going over my goals and progress. That post that ended kinda negative? Actually kind of positive. I haven’t blogged since then, though. There’s a lot going on. School, work, life. The usual suspects. Did you catch on to something new there? School? We’ll get to that. Don’t let me forget to go over my aspirations, ok?
I went on a lot last time about repeating mistakes. Somewhere in there was a bit of masochism. Ironically, one of those repeating mistakes is repeating how many mistakes I’ve made. It’s kind of crazy. Like, maybe if I just keep going on it’ll – somehow – end? Like, the whole point of circles is that they don’t end! I’d like to believe I’ve been working on that. Not too much, to the ignoring-things-around-me levels I’ve been known to do before. Though, there’s been a little bit of that. Baby steps.
One of the things I did lately to get out of my slump is that I went back to school. Finally, right? It’d been about four years. When I left, I was having a tough time getting through to the next semester, and I gave up. I tried, for months, to get things in order. There were circumstances, many of them outside of my control. But some of them, some of the big ones, were not. Their controls were firmly in my grasp. Are we noting a pattern here? I digress. So after my last post I felt the need to make a change. I needed that stupid associates degree, and I had so few courses left to get it.
I’ve talked before about how my anxiety, depression, and insomnia earlier in my adult life really screwed things up with school. I was on academic probation, and a lot of my road blocks towards the next semester were around that. One of the requirements was that I attend a group academic probation counseling session. 21 year old me was not going to put himself through that.
25 year old me was. 25 year old me doesn’t have time for games.
I signed up for the session, and a few days later was sitting in a classroom with a couple other students. As if my anxiety wasn’t high enough, the counselor couldn’t find my papers, making me a standout in a room full of fuck ups. She told me to wait until the end of the session and she’d look into it, so I sat through it for an hour thinking over what I could have done wrong. Keep in mind I’d spent several days before this agonizing over this group session. In my head, the session would involved 13 people bearing their souls in a circle. There would be stale coffee and even staler donuts. At least four of the other students would have previously been in biker gangs. It was AA for academic probation. It was academic probation anonymous. In my head, there is very little reality. In reality, it was an hour long slideshow about what academic probation was, as if the students in the room, all of whom were currently on it, were not aware.
After the slideshow, students with the paperwork were required to fill out a quiz. Seeing as how my paperwork was missing, I went up to the counselor to get everything straightened out. After writing my name down at least three times and assisting her in the use of computers, we eventually discovered the reason for my paperwork’s truancy. She’d called me the day before to tell me she was lifting the probation. She’d called while I was at work, and didn’t leave a message. Somehow, I was meant to know the message-less random call during work was my academic probation being lifted.
It was fine. Everything was fine. I was finally off of probation. I could sign up for summer classes. I could go back to school.
I’d already added the courses I wanted for the summer. Part of the process for signing up for the probation session was readmitting to the college, because I’d had too long an absence from school. Part of this readmission process was choosing a degree; I switched from my previous degree path to an English specialization associates of arts degree. Before, I’d chosen web design, but my passion for design has never been in the interest of other people, which is a pretty big part of having a career. Unfortunately, I’ve been told there is not yet a career on earth where you can do things solely for yourself and still make money. Much like perpetual energy, perpetual economy is an unproven concept. With an English degree, though, I could explore literature and reading and culture and be way too self involved, and someone might someday give me money for that. In the end, I finally had to make a choice between my interests, a choice on what I was willing to do and have other people see me do. The idea of designing for the web for anyone but myself is highly uninteresting.
So here I am, a couple weeks into the summer semester. I’ve started off easy with two of my English elective requirements. I’ve got an A that will stay an A, and a B that will eventually be an A, too, gods willing. They are both online, because while I may enjoy the sight of my own displeasure I’m also not trying to be on campus in the heat. Once I’m out of these courses I want to revamp some of my assignments into blog posts here. I feel not terrible. It’s a weird thing to say. I feel a-ok. Good even, some days.
Today’s been the first day in a while that I’ve had time to write all this out. There’s content here I didn’t include, thats better for another time, but I’m here, man! geez.
Thanks for reminding me that I wanted to go over my aspirations for this year. You’re such a good friend.
Let’s go over them, quickly:
New car?! Still did that. If anything, I’ll be able to say, at the end of this year, that I pulled at least one of my aspirations off.
Saving money: lol. moving on
Portfolio / Projects: ok look, this is still important, but I’ve got school work now. Projects might be out of the question. I still need a portfolio, but I need one for writing now that it’s my direction. Since I still want to write for TV, that’s still an important thing for me. We’re getting there. I definitely need to write more, and not just for assignments. But I have to say, having to write for these classes has felt so good.
Life / Events / Introversion: I’ve been doing pretty well with this, in my opinion. Like, I’m being friendly. I’m going out, but going out is expensive.
Getting fit: lol. moving on