I’m sitting outside my class, nine minutes to start time, and thinking about my last post. Holy hell am I negative. And I always have been. I don’t know if it’s a response to trauma or some innate quality or what, but damn. These people are only annoying because *I* find them annoying.
And I only find them annoying because I’m a negative twat. That’s on me, not them. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still right. But it’s not their fault I’m right. Annoyance is subjective. Negativity isn’t. Negativity sits on a scale, sure, but you’re either against something or you’re for it or you just don’t care, or anywhere between those points.
Annoyance is in the eye of the beholder. And this beholder is negative as fuck. My right isn’t their right. They don’t find themselves annoying.
And that just makes me an asshole. (Which is annoying in itself. Subjectively, sure.) It makes me an asshole because finding an entire room of people annoying is arrogant as hell. And arrogance is a clear sign of an asshole. There’s really no excuse for being a negative fucking asshole. Even if I’m keeping it to myself. Because internalizing anything like that just ingrains it.
I’m not always like this. Yeah, I’m a bitch generally about entertainment and politics and celebrities. And I’m usually a bitch in a joke way. But I don’t usually feel it. It’s not usually real. This has been real. Talking about people like I’m better than them is a response to my own issues. People living their true selves, joking and laughing and doing them, shouldn’t be annoying. What makes an asshole like me find happy people annoying?
Well, probably? Probably not being happy.
The class start time has come and gone; that asshole feeling is increasing as I write this in this room in real time, so I need to… not. But I’ll leave with a closing note: I started this blog with a positive intent. I wanted it to help me be better. And then I left it alone for months and I let insecurities and hatred and assholeishness fester. And that’s on me. I need to do better. Be better. To feel better. Maybe I should want to do that for other people, to keep my negative energies out of their way. But let’s be honest. I’m not hurting them. Their energies protect themselves from people like me. I’m only hurting myself.
‘Till next time.